Checking In

Hey.

It’s been a while since I’ve actually posted anything. I’m sorry. I’ve been pretty busy lately with work.

The new job isn’t great, but it isn’t bad. I’m somewhat respected at work, and I’m gaining the respect and trust of my colleagues, both junior and senior, pretty quickly. I’m really happy about that. I’m a little peeved that it’s a mostly Windows environment and that the only language I’m allowed to program in is Powershell. Still, I’ve been able to make pretty good strides with it and I’ve even made a few modules that the team finds pretty useful.

Lately, I’ve just been stressed and depressed. I feel like I’m falling into a rut, especially when it comes to my music. I’m coming up on 4 years that I haven’t released a song. That’s depressing to think about. And it’s not that I don’t play music or make it; I do. I play guitar for hours at a time and when I feel experimental I’ll fire up Bitwig and try to come up with something new or fresh.

I try for hours and hours. I try out new techniques and new ideas and new things all the time, but I can only ever get snippets of things, and none if it seems to come out the way I want it. I know that I should just try to work through the blocks and keep creating and persevere, but after 5 hours of work and nothing to show for it, I end up trashing my work and just going to bed.

This week has been really rough. I haven’t been able to bring myself to go to the gym, even though I’ve been consistently going 3-4 times a week for the last 3 months. I look better. I feel better. But this week I just don’t. I have a lot on my plate at work, and I feel starved creatively and emotionially. I get home, change into my pajamas and watch YouTube videos until I fall asleep around 1.

Hopefully this passes soon. I really hate feeling like this again.

I’m just rambling. I hope you don’t mind.